Friendships
Friendship can be liberating rather than in habiting, if the two of you can establish from the beginning certain rules for freedom.
Here are five suggestions for creating more space-
1-Be cautious with criticism:-Some people get a feeling of well-being and superiority from criticizing their friends. If you are afflicted with that plague, divest yourself of the infection as soon as possible. Alice Miller’s rule of thumb is a good one: “If it is very painful for you to criticize your friends, you are safe in doing it. But if you take the slightest pleasure in it, that is the time to hold your tongue. ”
2-Encourage your friends to be unique:-Suggestion number two for loosing up your friendship has to do with the peculiarities of your friends, their eccentricities, their unique dreams. Rather than urging your loved ones to conform, encourage their uniqueness. Everyone has dreams, dreams that no one else has, and you can make yourself loved by encouraging those aspirations.
3-Allow for solitude:-A non possessive friendship will maintain a profound respect for each person’s need for privacy. There is such a thing as too much closeness. In all our relationships we move together and apart. It is one of the marks of a mature relationship that you can relax if your friend is moving away from you for a while.
4-Encourage other relationships:-Jealousy according to Shakespeare is a “green-eyed monster.” And it has ruined many intimate friendships. If you get nervous when your best friend spends time with other friends or when a couple you and your mate enjoy excludes you from some of their social activities, you need to be wary of the corroding effect of jealousy. You never have exclusive right to anyone, and you hobble your friend if you expect to be the only person who matters.
5-Be ready for shifts in your relationship:-Let us say that your little sister tagged along with you as were growing up and were clearly the dominate one. If you are to have a healthy connection as adults, you must give her more room, allow her to be an adult, make her your equal. That is difficult, for years of conditioning have created a lopsided alliance. But it must change, and it can if you are prepared for shifting relationship.
True Friendship - An Eternal Enigma
We learn the value of friendship from a very early age. True friendship is unconditional: it is an enigma - selfless loving and giving. Perhaps we are too busy pursuing our careers that we tend to ignore the most beautiful thing in our lives: love and friendship. Everyone has different ideas about relationships and the approach may differ. It helps one to know that there are ‘givers and takers’ in this world and a role reversal is quite unlikely. Friends may disappoint you sometimes by not living up to your expectations. One who feels that he or she is putting more into relationships need not feel nobler as others may not feel the same. Before you judge someone it is prudent to consider that he or she may be incapable of love or friendship in the same way. Therefore, it is the interpretation of the measure of love or friendship that is under scrutiny; perhaps the person who realizes this has earned the right to be noble.
Human relationship is perhaps an enigma that can make you or break you. The precious bond between mother and baby is the most sacred of all, which starts in the womb; this bonding gradually blossoms into its various forms. The new life grows within her and it is no surprise that she guards it with her life from that moment. The baby comes into this world crying; announcing to the world its arrival or perhaps a cry of protest for being born. That precious bundle is loved, cuddled and smothered in kisses from the moment of its birth - the ‘human relationship machinery’ sets its wheels rolling. Parents, relatives and friends engulf the new life with their brand of love and care. Children grow into adults knowing the values of love and understanding or animosity and selfishness. They start seeing the world through their parents’ eyes and therefore, the parents have a greater responsibility during the formative years of their children.
People can go through life without having experienced true friendship of any kind. It is probably because of their selfishness or perhaps due to the total contentment within their small world; unfortunately this comfort zone has a tendency to get smaller in later years. Some may even have a tendency to criticize everything and everyone around them feeling happy and self-righteous. It is good to have friends, but it is even better to have a few good friends that one really cares for. As we get older we are more informed of our choices and there is no need to spend our precious time with people who make us tense, irritable and unhappy. One may come across prejudice and jealousy with the wrong type of people. True friendship develops an emotional tie that is strong enough to withstand time and space through thick and thin. It should give you the freedom to share your innermost feelings without having to wonder whether it is going to put a strain on the relationship.
In this age of electronic technology, friendship need not be restricted by distance - correspondence is possible within minutes helping families and friends to stay in touch. The time spent to nurture a true friendship is time well spent. Human nature is a blend of many energies and habits attempting to be one. It is likely that some characteristics will become more dominant than others. One needs different kinds of love and attention at various stages of life; but with vision, foresight and understanding one can get through life with a happy smile if one is fortunate to have a true friend. A true friendship is such that it can withstand anything, proving to be an enigma indeed!
True friends or best friends can never part ways, yes very correct ,so you think but in reality a true friend is hard to come by. It is always better to do a little inspection or introspection of the friendship which will be helpful for the health of the friendship.
Think about the fact that whether you and your friend are alike or very different .Does it seem like coming from two different worlds? Then next ask yourself about how long you have been friends. This then leads to next question about how much do you share your thoughts and how much do you communicate with each other?
The true friend, even if having contrasting hobbies, would support each other and will make every effort to be there for you when you need them. As an example let us take sports then a true friend of yours will always be at a game even if he or she did not like sports and vice versa. True friends will never forget you wherever they are, for example, if they go on a vacation then they will send you postcards or emails about what happened or is happening at the vacation which will help you at least be part of the vacation of that friend.
What all this above means is that basis of friendship is communication and separate personalities communicating with each other . This helps to understand that a true friendship is always built on a foundation of communication and openness. You always will share your most intimate thoughts with your best friend and will hope to hear from him an unbiased opinion on those.
To make all this special between friends there is unsaid bonding which can stand the test of time, pressure of outside forces and some resistance from others who are jealous about your friendship. Nurture your relationship like you would take care of small baby and the friendship will blossom into a mature relationship which is far ahead of any other relationships you have.
Four Steps To Know A Person Completely
In our life, what is more important than knowing people who matters to us most? The number of such people may not be very high, yet they influence our lives almost completely. If we can know their minds and thoughts better, there is no doubt that we not only make our life better but also the life of the people around us. It is no secret that we can get what we want in life only by the proper understanding of the people. In our personal life, we can bring peace and happiness only by understanding our loved ones. In our professional life we can motivate our colleagues and team to achieve the goal of the organizations only by properly understanding them.
Yet understanding people is the most difficult knowledge to learn in real life. This knowledge is not taught in any school or college. Our understanding of man based on the bookish knowledge derived from the books of psychology, management, religion, culture etc. fails to help us in understanding the real life people. Which theory is to be applied on a person, when every person is different and every theory is different? Theories are much easier to use in material domain as every atom, every molecule and every material behaves in identical manner. How to deal with man, when every one is different and no two people are similar?
It gives us no respite, to know a person merely in terms of probability or statistic when the person is too important to you. You can’t be satisfied to know that if you scold your children, he is 56% likely to perform poorly in exam. However, if you do not scold the child, his chances of poor performance are increased to 60%. These researches can’t help you in exercising of either option. You are scared of using either option as you want your child to improve. You do not have thousands of children that you can be satisfied with a statistical probability. After all in the first case the chances of failure is 44% while in the second case, it is 40%. You have only one child and you want him to improve. You want the right solution and not a random solution.
The solution of all our problems lies in knowing the person as accurately as one knows himself. If that can be possible then you can be almost absolutely sure that you will get the desired result. Are there really such methods of knowing a person so completely?
One Person Four Personalities
We all bear many hats in our life. We are the simplest creature on earth yet the most complex human being. Who are we?
We are a different person at our home. We are so simple at our home that even our child knows us well. We play with them, enjoy the simple games and become a child itself. Our education, profession and knowledge do not seem to influence our dear ones like our children, souse, parents and even our dogs. They all seems to know us very well.
We have a different personality with our friends. They too know us well. We all know the mind of all our friends. The older is the friend; the better is our understanding of him. Friends not only know our personality but they become the integral part of our personality. After all it is wisely said “a man is known by the company he keeps”. Thus, your friends are often a close refection of your personality.
Yet we are quite different on our job. The same person becomes different when performing his job. We are completely different person as a cop, philosopher, teacher, politician or a sweeper. Our actions and thoughts are shaped according to our job. There is a great similarity in all people of similar profession. All cops have similar traits, so have the traits of all teachers.
Finally, we are part of the society, nation and the world. We are affected by every thing that is happening anywhere in the society or the world. A man of India is different than a man of China or USA. A man of twenty first century is different than a man of tenth century.
However, man in not merely only a body i.e. the material entity but he also has mind, soul and spirit. The complete personality of the person can be known only by knowing his body, mind, soul and spirit. Once you know all four, there is nothing left in the person to be known as he has become your extended Self by the presence of the common spirit. The methods to know these four aspects of man have requires following four steps.
The Physical Self
The body of the person is the most obvious representation of his or her personality. Body represents the physical self of the person as an animal and represents the basic instincts or the natural instinct of the person. The first distinction in the body emerges from the sex of the person. The bodies of the males and females are as different as their basic instinct. The basic instincts of males and females are quite similar across the world. So if you know one, you know all. The second important thing which the body represents is the raw passion or sensual desire of the person. A man with uncontrolled passion would have uncontrolled, fat and disproportionate body while a man who has disciplined and controlled his desire would have a fitter and proportionate body. The movement of the body and limbs too represents the natural personality of the person. This is often called as “body language”. A restless person must have a restless body and peaceful person would have a peaceful body.
The Mental Self
The mind of the person is the most important attribute in his professional life. The mind of the person is shaped on the basis of the education and experience of the person in his lifetime. One can know the mind of the person from his educational qualification, experience and profession experience as all goes into shaping the mind of the person. The mind of the person is the source of the reason and logic used by the person to interact with the world. One can also understand the mind of the person in the course of discussion and communication i.e. the way he answers or responds to your logic and reasons.
The Intellectual Self
The body, senses and mind apparently seem to be independent from each other. It is also possible to measure these attributes of human personality by suitable instruments and tests. Yet they are all controlled by the Soul of the person which represents the intelligence of the person.
The mind and body of the person are changing every moment. A person is happy in one movement but get worried on the very next moment. A person may be active in one moment but may become inactive due to illness or hunger or tiredness few moments later. Thus our assessment of the person may be totally wrong if it is based merely on the knowledge of physical and mental self. We have to know the force behind the body and mind which does not change.
Gita (III 42-43) explains the relationship of body, senses, mind, Individual Intelligence (Soul) and the Universal Intelligence (God) in the following words.
The senses are superior to the body. Above the senses is the mind, above the mind is the soul (individual intelligence) and above the soul is God (Universal Intelligence).
Knowing the intelligence self of the person is, therefore, extremely important as it changes only little over a lifetime. Just like one can know the tree from its fruits, same is true for intelligence which controls the body and the mind. If a person speaks evil for everybody, it shows that his core (intelligence) too is evil. Jesus said, (Mathew 7: 15-20)
“Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but underneath are ravenous wolves. By their fruits you will know them. Do people pick grapes from thorn bushes, or figs from thistles? Just so, every good tree bears good fruit, and a rotten tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a rotten tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire. So by their fruits you will know them.”
The real nature of the person is intelligence of the person. Body and mind are merely the tools in the control of the intelligence self. Just like a fire can be used to cook food or burn people, so does the body and mind can be used for good or bad purposes by the intelligence? The intelligence of the person has to be understood by the synthesis of the diverse traits and actions of the personality of the person using our own intelligence and reasoning.
The Spiritual Self
It is believed in scriptures and philosophies that every living being has the spark of the God or Spirit. No person is, therefore, independent from other beings as everyone is connected by the common thread of this spirit. It is due to the common spirit that we cry when we see people in misery and fell happy when give happiness to others. It is due to the spiritual self, that we connect ourselves with the rest of the world and enjoys or feel pain in our life.
The spiritual self of the person is the non-material aspect of the human personality. It is best known to our loved ones, when there are no material rewards or punishment for our actions. In your home, you get no reward or punishment in being nice or nasty to your children, your wife or your parents and elders. Yet the expression of our spiritual self is the sour of all our happiness and pain.
A spiritual person, therefore, highly value the nonmaterial realities of life and seek happiness in selfless activities. We are all spiritual to some extent else we can never get happiness in our life. If you donate one billion dollars to your computer or a lathe machine, it can never feel any happiness. Only a man can feel happiness even by wealth since he can use the wealth for distribution to others selflessly which , makes him and others happy.
The understanding of the spiritual self is purely based on intuition and requires no knowledge or reasoning. It is similar to the understanding that a child or a dog has to their parents or their master. The sign of spirituality is the peace, love and happiness. So when you meet a person and feel more peaceful, loving and happy, the person must be highly spiritual. You can therefore expect help and compassion from such person. If the feeling is otherwise, you have met a materialistic and devilish person, who can only seek material favour from you or seek pleasure in your pain.
The Complete Knowledge of A Person
Only by knowing all four aspect of a person which represents the body, mind, soul and spirit of the person, you can understand the real person. Such understanding of a person requires not only the logical mind but also the use of your basic instinct , intelligence , intuition and experience. You can then know the complete person using your intuition and know the real thoughts of the person. Once you have understood the thoughts and soul of a person, what is left unknown about the person.
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